“My partner said it was ‘just privacy.’ But what he really meant was secrecy—and that destroyed everything.”
When trust is shattered by pornography addiction, partners often find themselves questioning everything—including what’s real.
For betrayal trauma and addiction recovery coach Savvy Esposito, one of the first and most vital steps in healing is understanding the crucial difference between secrecy and privacy.
Table of Contents
- When Addiction Enters the Relationship
- What’s the Difference Between Secrecy and Privacy?
- “My Phone is Private!”—Why That’s a Red Flag in Recovery
- Rebuilding Trust Through Radical Transparency
- What Betrayal Does to the Brain and Heart
- Steps Toward Healing from Betrayal Trauma
- Using Accountability to Recover from Cross Addictions
- Start Rebuilding with Clarity and Courage
When Addiction Enters the Relationship
“When I met my husband I felt porn was cheating. I was in my own recovery from anorexia at the time. I was pretty upfront. This is who I am. This is what you’re gonna get. Here are my boundaries, and this is what I’m looking for in a relationship.
He assured me that while porn had been a problem for him, he was more than happy to quit. He’d be totally here with me.”
But in spite of this honest conversation, Savvy’s new marriage was rocked by addiction.
“We had a total of 10 D-days in our first year—with the 10th one being on our one-year anniversary.
I basically said at this point, ‘This is an addiction. You can’t be in denial about it. If you wanna move forward in a romantic relationship, you can go and get help. You can recover. And if not, we can part ways romantically, but stay friends.’”
That experience launched her into a deeper calling. What began as a blog, The Modern Mr. and Mrs., evolved into a coaching business helping couples navigate betrayal trauma in the digital age.
After completing her forensic psychology degree, she pursued sexual addiction coaching certifications and began helping couples heal.
What’s the Difference Between Secrecy and Privacy?
“Let’s first define what a secret is—because a lot of times people misconstrue privacy for secrecy.
A lot of times the clients that I see – I would say 90% of them said, I told my partner early in the relationship that porn was not okay, and then obviously 10 years later, here we are!
The partner says, ‘Well, this is an issue. You knew it was an issue, and you withheld it. Now that’s a secret. You intentionally withheld that information from me, knowing it would hurt me.’”
Savvy is clear:
“With secrecy, there is the absence of transparency. It is intentional withholding of information that is important to someone else. It’s motivated by fear, or shame—‘I’m a bad person if someone knows.’”
Contrast that with privacy:
“Privacy is the state of being free from observation and company. It is a space where you can contemplate and reflect your thoughts, your feelings, emotions, opinions.
A crude, short way of seeing privacy could be described as: it’s your journal and in the bathroom. That’s very different from secrecy.”
The difference walks a fine line sometimes—but it’s essential.
“My Phone is Private!”—Why That’s a Red Flag in Recovery
“A lot of people say, ‘Oh, well, my phone is private! My computer’s private. My tablet’s private.’”
But Savvy points out the irony in this logic:
“These devices are actually the opposite of private because, first of all, with technology these days, there’s always trackers. The big companies see all of your stuff, especially with AI coming out now. Chat GPT is reading all of this and building a profile on you. So often whatever you do on your phone is actually not private.”
When porn addiction or compulsive porn use has broken trust, claiming privacy is often a mask for ongoing secrecy.
“One of the first arguments between the betrayed partner and the porn-addicted is this: The addict will say, ‘Well, this is private!’
But it’s not—especially if you’re withholding information that’s pertinent to the relationship.”
Rebuilding Trust Through Radical Transparency
“If you’re going to build back trust, you have to be open. You have to be transparent!”
Recovery means more than abstaining—it means becoming a safe person again.
“Because you have abused these technological devices, or you’ve lied about certain behaviors you’ve done, it means you’re going to have to be extra transparent in the beginning. Your partner is going to know the passcode on your phone. They’re going to know the password to your email.”
Why? Because secrecy kills safety.
“There’s a level of wall that needs to come down which allows the connection and allows safety.
Because the reality is when you’re in active addiction—with all the lies and the secrecy that you’ve done to your partner—you’ve not been a safe person.”
What Betrayal Does to the Brain and Heart
Porn use in a relationship flips the reality of the romantic partner and makes them wonder, ‘Did I ever really know you? Was there any truth to this relationship?’
A partner’s porn use destroys the truth in your heart and mind. You’re second guessing yourself all the time. Your sense of reality is gone
Savvy explains the psychological rupture that betrayal creates:
“On D-Day, the world you thought you knew is flipped on its head and it doesn’t exist anymore. It’s shattering! It’s a pain unlike anything else.
Because you not only don’t trust your partner, the really deep insidious part is you don’t trust yourself anymore.”
Steps Toward Healing from Betrayal Trauma
“In betrayal trauma recovery, it’s not just about learning how to trust the recovering addict again. It’s also a huge journey of trusting yourself and your own intuition.”
That means learning to identify and understand your personal triggers.
“If you feel like something’s off—Is this truly something’s off? Or is it my trauma response?”
Healing requires learning signs of safety and building emotional skills as much as relational ones.
This journey takes time and effort – and often the help of a caring professional.
Being kind to yourself is vital.
If you’re a betrayed partner, you didn’t ask for this!
What happened to you isn’t fair, but you can become a better, stronger person in the end.
Betrayal trauma coaches like Savvy Esposito can give you expert guidance to successfully pursue a healing pathway for yourself, regardless of how your spouse responds to your boundaries.
Using Accountability to Recover from Cross Addictions
“What I really liked about Ever Accountable when we were using it, was that it’s not just limited to inserting sexual terms.”
Savvy describes how subtle patterns of behavior like “addiction hopping”, i.e. cross addictions, may signal deeper issues.
“My husband stopped searching porn, and instead he just started searching cars because it was still that way to get dopamine. You’re still scrolling—it’s the same ritual. It’s just a different image, right?”
That’s where tools like Ever Accountable provide another layer of value besides accountability.
“Ever Accountable was really ‘The smoke to the fire that you can’t see.’
I could identify, Oh, something’s wrong. Let’s figure it out, and let’s catch it before it goes farther.”
Start Rebuilding with Clarity and Courage
If you’re navigating the painful aftermath of betrayal, understanding the difference between secrecy and privacy could be the first step toward healing.
✔️ Are you a betrayed partner struggling to trust again?
✔️ Are you in recovery and want to become a safe person?
Start by having honest, clear conversations about what’s private—and what’s a secret.
👉 Explore recovery resources and start your journey with Ever Accountable today.
Because real healing begins where secrecy ends—and transparency begins.
Savvy Esposito is a certified sexual addiction and betrayal trauma coach passionate about helping others become a whole, healthy person.
She recommends Ever Accountable as a tool for rebuilding trust in relationships and breaking free from pornography. You can sign up for her newsletter and betrayal trauma recovery tips at The Modern Mr. and Mrs.
