“What!?”
When my fourteen-year-old son confessed to watching porn, I was devastated. I didn’t know he could access pornography, much less that he would.
My husband is a pastor, and our children were homeschooled. We taught them right from wrong. Of all my children, this one hadn’t shown signs that anything was amiss.
I felt like a failure, and my emotions spiraled. Shock. Hurt. Anger. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Loneliness.
Thus began a long period of working through those emotions, helping our son battle his addiction, and healing. Thankfully, my son now walks in freedom from a six- to eight-year struggle with porn. And our relationship is stronger than ever. He’s my hero.
In the midst of our trials, however, I was a mess. I wondered why I hadn’t known about pornography’s pervasiveness. Why hadn’t someone warned me? Why the stigma around the conversation?
During my research, I learned that most people aren’t talking about the pornography issue plaguing our society. Many parents and grandparents, like me, don’t know they need to talk about it. Some are afraid to bring it up. Others don’t know how to start.
As embarrassing and awkward as this may be, initiating healthy conversations about porn with your teen is worth it.
So, let’s answer some common questions parents, grandparents, and caretakers ask.
Table of Contents
- Should I Discuss Pornography with My Teen?
- If I Talk About Pornography, Will It Ignite My Teen’s Curiosity?
- Why Is Watching Pornography Dangerous for My Teen?
- How Do I Start a Conversation About Pornography with My Teen?
- What If I’ve Never Said Those Words?
- How Often Should I Talk About Pornography?
- How Do I Bring Christian Beliefs into the Porn Conversation?
- Meet Barb Winters
Should I Discuss Pornography with My Teen?
Unfortunately, pornographic images are everywhere. The industry preys on preteens and teens.
A 2022 Common Sense Media report found that most teens have consumed pornography. This report revealed the average age of first exposure as twelve, with 15% saying they first saw porn at age ten or younger. Parents of children as young as four have told me their children saw porn.
While online accountability tools like Ever Accountable are a must in every household, they are not foolproof. Our best line of offense and defense is ongoing conversations.
The Common Sense Media report stated that many teens wish to discuss pornography with a trusted adult but don’t know how to begin.
However, when they had talked with an adult, most teens in the survey reported positive outcomes. So, our children aren’t as averse to these discussions as we may think. We just need to be brave enough to start the dialogue.
If I Talk About Pornography, Will It Ignite My Teen’s Curiosity?
This is the number one question I hear from parents. Will talking about pornography cause my child to search for it?
The question is valid. We don’t want to be the reason our child seeks out explicit content.
From the previous question, we now know children will be exposed. If they don’t search for it, a friend will show them, or they’ll find it accidentally.
Let me suggest that we want to be the ones to introduce our children to the word “pornography” and initiate this conversation. Speaking calmly about this topic shows them we aren’t afraid to talk about it.
Teens are naturally curious—some more than others. They will have questions. Do we want them to ask Google or us? If we’ve shied away from the conversation or treat the topic as taboo, they won’t come to us with their inquiries.
Why Is Watching Pornography Dangerous for My Teen?
Pornography is dangerous for everyone, but especially for teens.
- The portion of your teen’s brain responsible for logic and foresight isn’t functioning at full capacity yet. So, teens are apt to take more risks and make decisions based on instinct and pleasure. Over time, these choices form pathways, making those same choices easier and easier until they’re automatic. This is the process by which habits and subsequent addictions develop.
- Pornography’s allure continuously pulls in teenagers. This multi-billion-dollar industry targets teens because they recognize that addiction at a young age ensures a customer for life.
- People are created to bond. Watching pornography releases chemicals in the brain which establishes a bond with images on the screen. Then, it’s difficult to connect with an in-person human. Eventually, they will experience physical and emotional challenges in relationships.
- Besides being addictive, pornography is violent, aggressive, distorted, demoralizing, and objectifying. Unfortunately, preteens and teens watch pornography for their sex education. They believe what they see portrays an accurate picture of healthy sexual relationships. Therefore, they have unrealistic expectations of real-life sex.
After learning about the negative ramifications of pornography, prepare to talk with your children.
How Do I Start a Conversation About Pornography with My Teen?
Watch your body language and tone. Mentally prepare to hear your child has been exposed to pornography.
If that occurs, stay calm and don’t overreact or punish.
Approach the conversation from a curiosity perspective, not a lecture. If your child has been exposed to porn, they may feel shame and/or guilt. As parents, let’s not add to those feelings. Instead, let’s steer them toward healthier options.
Keep the initial conversation short. The following are possible questions you might ask. Begin with one and allow the discussion to progress from there.
- “I’ve recently discovered how common pornography has become. What do you know about the topic?”
- “Have any of your friends been exposed to porn?”
- “I learned the average age of first exposure to pornography is between eight and twelve. Have you accidentally seen or read anything you would consider to be pornographic?” (This may open the door to other topics like AI and deepfake nudes, catfishing, and human trafficking.)
- “Have you been tempted to watch pornography?”
- “Sometimes teens watch pornography because they’re curious about sex. Do you have questions about sexual activity?”
Involve grandparents and other caregivers in the conversations
A grandfather told me he hadn’t been aware of these risks. He allows his grandchildren to be on their devices at night.
I suggested he establish new boundaries in their home and explain to his grandchildren, “I recently learned about some dangers. I’m sorry I haven’t done a good job monitoring your devices and protecting you. Based on the information I heard, we’re turning off the Wi-Fi at 10 pm and putting all devices in the master bathroom overnight—because we love you and it’s our job to protect you.”
During these discussions and as you establish new household guidelines, please remind your children you love them and want to protect them.
What If I’ve Never Said Those Words?
Practice. Before your first discussion, stand in front of a mirror and practice saying all the words about pornography and sex that most of us were taught to avoid.
Expect your first discussion to still be uncomfortable, but as you continue to talk, these conversations become less awkward.
How Often Should I Talk About Pornography?
Have ongoing short chats rather than one long talk. Look for teachable moments. For example, when you hear less than wholesome song lyrics, ask questions.
As conversations progress, discuss the benefits of sex within the confines of a healthy relationship. Mention your beliefs when appropriate.
How Do I Bring Christian Beliefs into the Porn Conversation?
If you’re one of the many families who believe viewing pornography violates God’s word, you may be asking how to talk about sex and porn in light of your faith.
First, determine your views on sex. Do you see it as a God-given gift and a healthy expression of selfless love between a husband and wife?
Is it for pleasure as well as procreation? Consider the following passages: Ephesians 5:25-33, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Proverbs 5:18-19, Song of Songs. (Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, p. 92-93)
As a Christian family, we reminded our son of God’s Word regarding sex, lust, and marriage. We read the Bible, prayed together, and continued to remind him who he was in Christ.
Bolster your child’s worth by pointing out that God loves them and accepts them unconditionally. This truth helps relieve their shame and boost their desire to say “no” when faced with the temptation to engage with pornographic material.
Whatever your beliefs, discuss your family values and remind your child of their worth.
Conclusion
While these conversations may seem daunting, they can open doors to healthier relationships. I’m grateful that as my son and I worked together to overcome his struggle, we became closer. Today, we enjoy a deep connection. I admire him, trust him, and look to him for advice and support. That’s my hope for you and your children.
Meet the author
Barb Winters is the founder of Hopeful Mom: Supporting Parents in an Online World, where she offers heartfelt encouragement and practical guidance drawn from her personal journey as the mother of a recovered pornography addict.
Barb is also a certified Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist and certified mental health coach.
As Lead Facilitator at E3 Family Solutions, Inc., she equips middle and high school students with the tools to make healthy choices and avoid risky behaviors. A published author, dynamic speaker, and passionate advocate, Barb actively promotes awareness around human trafficking.
Her award-winning book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, is a vital resource for parents, grandparents, caregivers, and youth leaders alike. Recently honored as one of 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids, Barb continues to use her voice and platform to empower families. She lives in central Florida with her husband, near two of their four grown children. Connect with Barb at HopefulMom.net.
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